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Do Not Resuscitate
Journal entry by Michael March — 11/3/2016

November 3, 2016

Today was another chemotherapy treatment day for me. These treatments are starting to sap my strength more and more and I spend more time asleep than awake. I have started to lose a little weight, so far I am down about 20 pounds but I put on some extra weight in the beginning because I knew this point would be reached sooner than later.

My overall emotional well being is starting to suffer a bit as well. Talking over your own "DNR" with your doctor, commenting easily about your own mortality, and telling someone, that will have the power, to "Please, pull the plug, let me only die once." sort of costs so much energy the rest of your day is shot mentally. Not to mention it is a hell of a way to start a month.

Talking with a doctor and deferring to your wife and making yourself and your own wishes known is very hard. I simply do not want to be "alive" if a potted plant has more fun than I do. I am sure most of us feel the same way, but I am also aware that not many people have to actively think about it, and write it down. Today was such a mental crush.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I can only hope I feel better tomorrow than I have in the past the day after Chemo. Next Thursday is the start of the next round, which means the four day pump continuously putting chemo into my veins for four days.

I would love to feel normal for only for 24-48 hours. There is so much I would give just to no longer feel this way, think this way, know which way this is going. So, so tired of the darkness.

M
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