|August 10: Daily Frustrations
Journal entry by Michael March — 8/10/2016
Watching my days slowly slip into yesterdays, brings about so many different emotions it is hard to determine what truly the emotion is I am living with at any given moment. I find myself being more melancholy than usual. It seems to rest upon how easy it is for me to move about, or even to take a breath.
When I find myself drifting away from my own reality, I am jolted back into the here and now by the tug of the 24 hour IV pump attached to my left arm. Or the tug of the air hose wrapped around my ears, blowing life giving oxygen up my nose. Then I remember where I am, and how much longer I might be here. And just how much living has lost some of it's luster.
Over the past few days I have given up to be honest. I'm tired of the pain, I am tired of trying to catch my breath, I am just tired of not being comfortable. I am tired of having to think for 15 minutes about doing something as easy as putting on my shoes, or walking into the living room. I'm tired of watching life rush away, and hearing the passing of cars going about their business while I sit here, or lay here just passing time, or trying to figure out how to get into the living room without tripping over an air hose, or forgetting to bring along the IV bag.
Nothing about living is easy, nor is there much joy in watching the hands of a clock spin without respite. I'm just so ready to let go. When the good Lord comes knocking, I am ready to open the door without as much as taking a look back.
Maybe this is how things just go for terminally ill people. Over time death becomes a release from the struggles of living. I am sure no one wants to die, and I certainly do not want to die either, but I also understand with each passing hour I am speeding down that path. At some point I will just want to see the journey end. Lately, I have spent time wanting this journey to have already ended. But only God knows when it will end and how. My trust is in Him and my faith is ever steadfast.
When eating a pickle both hurts a little, and brings no joy, no enjoyment in the crunch or the taste, life truly has lost a little of it's allure. Enjoying a pickle is not asking for too much, I hope.
While I am only 218 days into a 365 day battle, I still hope to make it 1 day past what I was given. That will at least give my family something else to look at when my time has come. I think they would rather say I beat the odds, and lived longer than I was given, instead of not making it to what I was given. So, January 6, 2017 is that day.
My 52nd birthday is only 10 days away, and there are times during each day that I simply think, that is a day I will never reach and sometimes don't even care to reach. I can not imagine living like this for another 3 or 4 months. I really can not.
One of the few things that makes me happy is logging into Facebook and firing broadsides to whomever is around. Since a year from now everything taking place right now, this Presidential Election, will be long over, and I will have died, and none of this will matter, and I'm just having more fun with my drive by postings.
We spend so much time chasing electrons, without realizing we are a black out away from being lost in time, not knowing what to do to occupy our time. Our world is becoming less real with each passing day it seems.
I can not imagine this world in 10-15 years. I find it hard to think about what my own father has missed over the past 18 years, and I scratch my head in wonderment about where things are going, and just how much of ourselves we are losing.
Oh well, hopefully over the next few days, weeks, and months I will feel well enough to have more visitors to at least say goodbye, before a goodbye becomes a missed yesterday. Please be understanding at this time. Visitors take a lot out of me, mentally, emotionally and physically.
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