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Journal entry by Michael March — 3/14/2016

This is the start of week 4 of the infusions. I will probably post something this coming Saturday after infusion number 3 and after lung biopsy number 2. This is just one of those weeks I look forward to, but also dread. March 15, is week 10 since I was given 6-12 months and the Ides of March. Today (when I started this) is March 13 would have been my father's 75th birtday. March 19 will be my 9th anniversary at NFCU. This will be a week like no other recent weeks.

This past weekend we had a few out of town visitors. My cousins Chris and Mary came in from Texas and South Carolina. Tammy's son Justin came in from Ohio too. I have not seen Justin in probably 3 years and Chris and Mary in over 12 years, so it was very enjoyable. I was not able to be as friendly or outgoing as I would have liked, but we did get to the shooting range, Justin and Tammy went to Harper's Ferry and I think everyone had a great time.

Justin and Tammy said they really enjoyed Chris and Mary and were already looking forward to seeing them again, sooner than later.

I didn't get to spend as much time with Chris, Mary or Justin as I would have enjoyed, and it seems I no longer have any endurance for much of anything other than sleeping and breathing. Hopefully that is actually good news.

As this clinical trial moves forward, the tumors could enlarge while my immune systems kicks into the next highest gear and goes on the attack. Or, the tumors could be getting bigger to simply kill me. Either way, something is happening. I think the tiredness is my own body taking control and fighting the cancer. My energy is being sapped to fight the cancer, and it comes at the expense of doing much of anything else.

That is my story, and I am sticking with it.

I've been feeling more melancholy than ever before and I don't like it one bit. I am trying to figure it all out to see if I can stop it from happening or at least come to grips with what causes it to happen.

I think I am trying to do too much, all at the same time. That is the downside about being told you have 6-12 months to live. You find yourself trying to tie up loose ends, put plans in motion, decide what to do with your "stuff" and spend time seeing people that you might not have seen for decades, while at the same time, having no energy to do any of it.

I think that is the cause for my melancholy.

I would rather spend time with old friends and family members instead of trying to make their lives easier after I'm dead, while mine is slipping away. I would really love just to have people come in, and ask me something like "Hey, mind if I take your 'XYZ'?" It would be so much easier to do it that way right?

It also might be just another way I can play tag with God. As in, "Hmmmm, he has given everything away, now he will be cancer free! And now, Tag, Mike, you're it"

Sometimes all of life is a game, it just comes down to playing it, and having fun. I realize now, I can live with very little and I would rather have more years to live, with very little crowding around me.

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