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I won't crack and you can't make me.
Journal entry by Michael March — 2/17/2016

I'm not good at this dying thing. I learned that over the last few days, and I got my booster shot at being bad at dying just tonight.

I love my family to the ends of the earth, yet I do not understand them. I am sure they have never understood me fully and it's probably too late to try at this juncture.

This is where I find myself as they days I have left simply slide by as the world continues to spin.

Until I start to feel it, more than what I already do, much of what I am going through is just another day. It's not like I actually hear the clock ticking down, or the soundtrack from Jaws in the background. Right now my days are normal and everyone around me is acting differently. Like I am dying or something.

My family has never been a close family, and right now, everyone wants to spend time with me. Which is understandable, but simply weird. I am not dealing with it very well either.

Maybe as long as my health allows me to live normally, everything just needs to be normal. That is where I think the struggle is. My family is starting to miss me while I am still right here. I think my family wants to have a bedside vigil for the last 4 months of my life. I want normal. Otherwise I might actually believe this dying thing.

I do not know how long I have, but right now, I feel almost normal.

So, if anyone in my family is upset with me, feels like I am leaving them out, pushing them to the side, or maybe that I no longer want them around, I'm sorry. None of that is the case.

I'm alive and I want to feel as if I am alive and not dying. The truth of the matter is very simple. I have more or less always been a loner, always been a shy person, and have never been a member of the "Brady Bunch" we all would like to think our family's are.

So how about we just get back to normal until I can no longer deny the inevitable. Otherwise I will think about this path I am on, and figure out my time truly is short and crack.

Dad never cracked, and neither will I. It's just the way I am.

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