|The Month I Didn't Miss
Journal entry by Michael March - February 11, 2017
January of 2017 has come and has gone and we are almost half way through February but yet I feel blessed to be able to feel so awful. Over the past few weeks have have noticed my already waning energy has started to ebb slightly faster with each passing day, or so it seems. I hope that maybe all I have noticed is the undeniable truth of my own, heretofore ignored, reality. That slap in the face, as it were, that I have been able to ignore for the previous year or so is getting harder and harder to ignore.
I'm dying. That reality is becoming more evident with each passing day. The way I feel is about as good as it is going to get, so I need to get used to feeling worse each day and continue to feel fortunate I have the ability to feel at all. I will get worried when I no longer feel fortunate.
Our families have been rather lucky recently when it comes to dealing with cancer. I have been the only one to have to dance with the beast in my generation, and sadly, it has been three times. After my first dance back in 2008 I knew I got away too lightly. Just had to survive an operation, which I did. I can only hope my brothers and sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews, Aunts and Uncles are able to get through life without dealing with what I have had to deal with. We do have a very young distant cousin that is battling the beast as well, but the majority of our family are not up to date with his mother and father like a few of us are.
However, I keep moving forward with things bigger than myself, to simply feel normal, feel useful, to enjoy the unnatural lift of the all too real understanding that time is running out and there is still so much I want to do. I have stopped, more or less, working on things for myself and have tried to refocus my energy to getting the foundation up and running. Or at least get it to the starting line before I reach the checkered flag.
Time is slipping away, and I find myself more speechless than ever before. I am finding it harder to give much weight to a whole lot of things. Mostly everything to be honest. I wish I had the energy I had a year ago, which seems like a long time ago, and if I did, I might be able to think more clearly and care about more things. I worry I will no longer have the energy to keep moving things forward. I can only hope I got most of it going for others to carry across the finish line.
I find late night tears come more easily when all you can hear is the whirl of the oxygen machine in the room next door. When your mind is allowed to drift to places in the future that lacks an image of yourself. And you are reminded of how much things changed, and how quickly change came, when your father passed away. How the simple act of painting the room created a space your father would never get to see, never get to experience. I look around and wonder how quickly I will be replaced to make room for the living.
I have found myself standing in the doorway to my bedroom and looking down at the freshly made bed and trying to imagine how it will feel to my family when they do the same thing after I am gone. I try to tell myself there is no need to worry about things like that, since each person will have to deal with tomorrow the only way they know how. I am just struggling to deal with my today's more than I wanted to.
The time I have left, truly does feel like it is coming to an end rather quickly. I only hope I have made more friends than enemies, helped more than I hurt, made more laugh than cry, and will be remembered for trying my best. There is still so much I have to get done, I just have to find the energy to do it. This is a new feeling I am having. I have always been able to look past being tired to do what I want to do, or what needs to be done. But now this lack of energy is a different feeling altogether. I am mentally drained more than physically drained.
Anyway, I am just beat.....
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